Confessions of a Warder
by spiritflight3
Summary: As Lan lays broken and bleeding on the battle field, he reflects on his love for Nynaeve. Check my profile page for information regarding this story.


Confessions of a Warder

(I don't own any copyrights to the Wheel of Time, or anything to do with it)

My body is broken, bleeding, on a battlefield that was destined to be. I feel her presence, even in the darkness growing steadily around me. I know she already knows, that my wounds are to great to heal, I've lost to much blood...I'm going to die. I drift on the sound of her voice, a feather drifting on the wind.

From the first moment I saw her, in her village, I was in love with her. It sounds like a simple statement, but it is the best way to describe how my eyes could simply fall on her while scanning the village, my heart trying to fall out of my chest. She radiated something fierce and profound, a woman not seeking power or adventure, like so many I had met before. In the first moment her eyes fell on me, and she hesitated when striding across that village green, I despertly wanted to hear her voice, to match it to that beautiful persona. Her voice, the voice of an angel. My angel. I wanted to think of something to say to her, ANYTHING, to say to her, but Moiraine spoke before I could say a word. Her eyes never left me. Her name, light how craved a name to put to this woman, a strange woman I had never met before in my life. Her name, she uttered, was Nynaeve al'Meara. She was the wisdom of Emond's Field.

I feel the cool wet of her tears mixing with my own on my face. No tears now my love, I think to myself. You are all I have ever wanted, from the moment I was born, I think we were supposed to be like this. She takes my devotion as a sign that I crave death, above all things, even her. I want her to know, that my devotion has never been linked to something, and it has never been because of Moiraine. What I feel for you my love, is only the deepest love of a man who has offered you nothing, yet loves you still.

It was only after she began traveling with us, that I realized how hopeless my love for her could be. She may have come from a village, but I wanted to treat her like a queen. My kingdom was long since dust, my title earning no more respect than a few countries in the boderlands who still believed in the legends. When I died, Malkier would truly be dead. How could I offer that to her? How could I possibly honorably ask her to marry me, when I could give her no home, no money, no stability that we would live long and happily together, raising six children? Try as she might, to get me to express my love to her, I held back, because she would either live like a queen, or find someone who could give her a life like that.

I know how stubborn I was, believing that she would simply forget about me. I know I sounded arrogant, refusing her love, and in turn making it seem as though her feelings, her LOVE was somehow less important. I made it seem as though I was treating her love like a foolish farmgirl dreaming about a King, but it kept her away, it kept her safe. I had given myself to Moiraine, how could I ask Nynaeve to share? So many reasons...and in all that time I spent reasoning out why it was best like that, my heart was spending equal time breaking, yearning, and demanding that I follow it. I know I confused her, first telling her it was hopeless, than giving her a ring, than telling her again it was hopeless, and than kissing her. I only hope you know my love, that my intention was never to confuse you. I simply wasn't strong enough to stay away from you, for my heart was already yours, even on the day we met.

I thought I'd done the right thing. It was easier in the waste, somewhat, not having her there to see the hurt I had given her. And yet, I spent every night sleepless, terrified that some taraboner street thief was putting a knife in her back. Dreading that I would awaken and find she had been abducted by the Seanchan. My body ached to mount Mandarb and ride to her, to sheild her with my heart and my soul. She carried her heart for the world to see, and I wanted to protect it.

Than the day came when Moiraine died, leaving me to feel the grief of a man who has not only failed one woman, but two. I hated myself, hated not being able to put my sword through me, and end the suffering. Even in the wake of Moiraine's death, my thoughts could only dwell on her. She was still the only thing I wanted. I had always been a jelouse man, even when urging her to find another, and the thought that she would believe me dead...give herself to another... I suffered another shock when Myrelle thought it necessary to take me to her bed. She didn't ask, and every moment that I was lying there I felt like a lecher, because my faithfulness, even my faithfulness, had been betrayed. I had vowed that no other woman would satisfy me but Nynaeve, and yet, I took another woman to bed as easily as if she WERE Nynaeve.

Nynaeve's friend was the unlikely hero that came to my rescue. d the one I loved to her destination, and I waited, despertly seeking even one glance of her. After all the time we had spent apart, I could not wait even one more minute. Than the boat was not in front of me, but behind, and my heart froze. I dived in without thinking, and came to her rescue, just like a fairytale fool.

We were alone finally, no Aes Sedai, or Dragons Reborn, or Darkfriends. She sat on my lap, and I felt her breath tingling my neck. I lost myself in the memory of our kiss, and despertly wanted more. I tried to put up a last stand, but I was already hers. I knew from the moment she nearly drowned, to the moment we sat together in the cabin on the ship, that I could never leave her again. I gave myself to her, when I let her say the words I'd longed to hear. We have been bethrothed long enough, we are going to be married today...

Wedded, to the one I love. I could finally be her husband, hers truly and deeply. She would never hear the words, it could never be, again. From the moment I gave my vows, I could devote myself to her. Nothing in the world could ever come between us again. I swore to her the strongest oath a Malkieri man could make...the one he makes on his wedding day. If I am ever to be King...She will be my Queen.

I thought nothing could come between us...but now I lay broken and dying. I feel her try to heal me, I feel others trying to heal me. The tingle grows to a vibration, the vibration to a rattle, and the rattle to a shake. My whole body feels like it is being torn in to, and I think...this must be how it feels to die. Only...I know I'm not dead.

Sitting up, I see Sharina Sedai kneeling with Nynaeve. I don't feel the hold in chest anymore, nor any scrapes or bruises. Yet I know I am weak as a babe. Nynaeve forgets this, and flings herself at me, I grunt, as I fall backwards. She lays across my chest, sobbing into my shirt. I hold her so tightly I feel I might break her in two. I will never leave you again my love, I tell her. We share a kiss unlike any other we have ever shared before. This is a kiss of hope, a kiss that demands that we go on living, together, as husband and wife.

-King A'Lan Mandragoran,

Third age -Confessions of a Warder


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